Long time, no write. I’ve been HUSTLIN’. I’ve worked longer and harder than ever to get my ass to Bali to complete my yoga teacher training. This has been a dream of mine for many years. 2 years ago I realised that dreams are just goals without timelines so I made a timeline. I made a bank account named “yoga” and I set up a savings goals wherein I’d put so much money in to this account every week and in x amount of time I’d be in Bali livin’ it up. This did not happen. CFS beat my sorry ass down to a pulp and I became house ridden for about a year. Fun times.
As soon as my CFS stopped being a jerkface and allowed me to do basic things like work to acquire funds, keep my eyes open, not take 3 hour naps twice a day, I booked my teacher training.
I was sooooooooo fucking stressed about 3 weeks of yoga. Let alone being awake all day. Let alone functioning in another country on my own. Being away also meant that I could not have my usual acupuncture which is my saving grace and the only thing that makes me feel semi-human.
My doctor was so supportive of my trip even though it came as a big random shock to him. He wasn’t surprised though because he knows I’m a little YO to the LO (omg who am I, I’m stuck in 2015 with all my dumb phrases but YOLO). I just went for my usual acupuncture before I left but he insisted on writing me out scripts for shit such as anti-nausea medication used for people undergoing chemo LMFAO. He was like MAKE SURE YOU TAKE antiseptic cream for injuries and a first aid kit. Does he know me? I’m disorganised tired gal, I have not the energy or care to do such things. I did fill the scripts though. OHHHHH he gave me an all-rounder antibiotic script too. Such a sweetie. I felt so safe like he had prepared me well, doing all he could to keep me alive while I was over there.
As soon as I got to the island and met all my fellow yogi’s I just knew I was going to do another YOLO or should I say you-only-manic-and-go-AWOL-once and go off my anti-depressants while I was away. I didn’t mention this to anyone before I left but I did have the thought in my mind a lot. I told Malcolm a few days in to being off them and he was like girl you had one job – go off them when you have the support of your friends and family at home who can help you if you have an Emergency. Too late hun. Let the good times begin.
Except… nothing happened. I had researched coming off my meds a lot. I knew that there would be little to no side effects. However, the side effects I did read about that could potentially happen really scared me such as dead ass tired body that feels like lead. Great, just what I need when I’m battling cfs and 3 weeks of yoga. I don’t think that side affect ever hit me. Let me just google the side effects and I’ll tell you if I had any.
Okay, I cannot remember having any side effects per say but I do remember having a headache the first couple of days. I cannot directly relate this to coming off anti d’s though as I was also acclimatising to extremely high humidity so I think it could have been dehydration as well. Maybe a bit of both.
So as for anti d come-down, nothing happened.
In terms of CFS, on the second day we had to tell everyone our injuries. I don’t have any injuries but I told everyone I have CFS because it’s so much a part of my life that it’s just one piece of the Codii puzzle. But OMG. 24 people took it so seriously and they were asking so many questions and I accidentally blew everyone elses injuries out of the water because everyone thought CFS was so severe and so like LIFE SHATTERING compared to having herniated discs or broken your back. I was very regretful at this point of having opened my mouth because I just felt like I did not want ANY attention for this part of me that haunts my life but has simultaneously given me a lot of perspective. It’s so normal to me now that I forget people just get SHOOK thinking a person lives with this and that they are also here, doing 6 x 12 hour days of class including 2.5 hours of yoga a day in like 99% humidity.
After that happened, this lovely lady came up to me and she was like where are you staying? And I was still v shy at this point and I was like just up the road. She kept pushing me to know EXACTLY the place I was staying at. I had no idea why she was that interested, it was very weird. And then she goes oh just so I can drop dinner off if you are too tired after class or if you want me to collect your laundry and go and get it done for you. I was NOT expecting that. I was taken aback. THIS LOVELY PERSON IS DOING CARING ABOUT ME. WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING WORLD?????????????????? I’m sooooooo used to masking so well/people knowing me for so long and rejoicing in how well I mask that they don’t have to offer me help or alter anything so they still feel comfortable knowing me + getting the best out of me + not having to deal with the side of me where I cannot move every night from exhaustion. Hibo, I’ll never ever forget that moment you showed so much sincerity and kindness and I just thought you were a creep wanting to know where I stayed. I’m THAT used to people treating me like I’m able af and never ever offering any help (which I’d never take up usually but maybe that’s cos no one ever offers with actual sincerity, more out of obligation if ever). I’m tearing up thinking about that act of kindness. I’LL NEVER FORGET.
I had the kindest yoga teacher who met you were you were, not where she expected you to be. She always assured us every day that child’s pose (crouching in basically a foetal position) was always a valid position to rest in and if we didn’t feel up to practice we could just stay in child’s pose for 1.5 hours. I was like BIITTTTCHHHH, I got something to prove. But as soon as we started practising, I realised that this powerhouse of a teacher was either going to break me through me pushing through and letting ego take over or I was going to surrender to my body and take care of her. My body wins every single time. I think I’m lucky in that regard – I’ve had so much practice listening to my body. Not even by choice, just by the fact that I’ll be bed-ridden if I don’t listen lmfao. I noticed that A LOT of yogi’s where pushing themselves probably past what they could handle and I felt like a lot of it was just wanting to be “as good as” their peers. Since I got CFS, I’ve always said that I want to be the example that you need to listen to your body, rest when you need, and not let ego get in the way and make you push past your maximum. I think a lot of people ended up rejoicing in the fact that “Oh codii is laying down through this hectic af vinyasa flow, maybe I CAN rest and no one will think anything of it.”
I spent a lot of time on my mat reflecting on what my body could do and being so grateful for how far it’s come. I cannot lie though – I did spend a lot of time jealous of what everybody else’s bodies could do which was so far past mine. There were many times where I was on the verge of tears out of frustration/jealousy. I don’t like to dwell though and I definitely spent a lot of time being in genuine awe of what other people could do (hello Becci). If I couldn’t do a “peak pose” which is basically a hard af pose like a headstand or something else instagram worthy – I’d just stop before I injured myself and I’d end up taking pictures of people in amazing poses celebrating what they could do!!!! It was inspiring and humbling as heck!!!
As the days went on I felt my energy declining rapidly. It was so hard doing yoga first thing in the morning. I wake up with so many aches and pains that I never ever do yoga in the morning. It’s the time where you’re least flexible too. I always perked up in the afternoons and I was like Dayummmmm, why can’t we be doing vinyasa flows now? I just felt like my body schedule never aligned with what we were doing which was a bit frustrating but whatever! One morning I recall feeling so defeated after a yoga class where I just laid on my mat the whole entire time feeling sorry for myself. I got so desperate that I googled to see if there were any acupuncturists on the island despite my doctors strict instructions not to even attempt acupuncture in bali due to hygiene issues and probably a lack of oversight in to the profession. There no none anyway which left me feeling even more desperate and defeated.
The last few days of the course I really could not perform at all. It was the days of our finals and we were doing 2.5 hours of physically intensive yoga a day and then 2.5 hours of really intense stretching. I was well and truly SPENT. I, again, spent so much of that time laying down on my mat. I never felt any judgement from my teacher or peers which was so so encouraging and supportive.
When I got home I looked at all the pictures people took throughout the course and I felt a bit sad. Mostly all of them people are doing amazing poses and I am laying on my mat LMFAO. I know that’s my ego speaking though. I know that all I ever could do was put 200% in and that I certainly did.
I also knew at the time that I had to reserve energy to socialise and enjoy my time. I know that I wholeheartedly did that too. There’s so many videos of me dancing and laughing and that’s all the evidence I need to know that this sleepy eggplant did her best.
I am actually in awe of my body. I cannot comprehend how it pulled me through. I love it so much more for what is has done for me in the past month. You are a temple. One fuelled by Oreo’s and Pocari Sweat but no less, you are the temple of all temples that keeps me going.
I LOVE ME. I love what my body has done. I loved my course and how supportive my teachers and pals were.
Now back to the topic of Anti D’s. I’ve noticed a lot of changes in me. Not side affects but changes. I’m emotional AS HECK. I’ve realised that for two years I’ve just been stable. Not emotional and not cold. Just stable. It’s been great. I’ve marked my mental health progress but how stable I’ve felt.
It’s time to feel things again though. I feel everything so much more intensely. I cried so much during the course and mostly every single time I cried it was because I was experiencing someone else’s pain. I love that. I can feel other peoples pain again. I haven’t been like that while on anti d’s. I can listen to the most fucked up story of someone speaking right in front of me and I’ll be like “I’m sorry that happened to you.” COLD BITCH. COLD. But now I just feel the pain and cry with them and I think it’s more so a bonding experience rather than just standing there blank faced and being like WELL, that’s very shit, time to move on.
Since I got home I’ve cried so much. I cry trying to tell Malcolm that I’m more fragile these days and he’ll have to deal with it and not question it.
Another thing I have experienced is CREATIVITY. I just feel these waves of creativity and all I want to do is run home and create. It’s been perfect timing too as yoga is all about creativity and really creating sequences that resonate you and that will hopefully resonate with other people.
Also, when I’ve been reading books, all the teachings and lessons in them are just RUSHING THROUGH ME SO MUCH MORE INTENSELY. I’m reading an anatomy book related to yoga and I am just SO STOCKED to be reading it and learning and the whole time I’m like YAS YAS YAS, I love being alive. It’s ridiculous and also ridiculously cute if I must say so myself.
All I want to do is dance. This is a weird one. But you’ll all recall that all I ever used to do was dance horribly and enjoy it so much. All I’ve ever done to sisterly bond was have big dance party nights with my sisters in which they’d all be red-faced and super embarrassed by my poverty dancing skills. Since I’ve got home I’ve realised noticed this side coming out again. I keep stealing Malcolm’s phone because he has spotify premium (how rich is he???) and all I want to do is listen to music and dance! And then it hit me that on the island all I did was dance tragically to the laughter of my pals. There’s so many videos of me dancing and it brings me more joy than anyone could ever imagine seeing myself so happy that all I can do to express it is dance.
The downside’s have been my anxiety. It’s back binches. Thought you’d never see me again 😉 I’m finding that before when things happened my brain would easily allow me to go to “maybe that person is just having a bad day, it’s not about me at all.” Now my brain tries to go straight back to “what have I done??? it’s me isn’t it??? Did I look angry when I walked in to work??? what can I do to fix this?”
Everything my brain thinks is about me again. It’s so selfish and I hate it. The world is not about me. People do not think about me 24/7. No one is looking at me. No one hates me. But yet, here is my petty little pea sized brain cooking up stories with me at the centre of every single interaction. It’s even getting to the point where every day that I go to work I convince myself that if I avoid everyone, don’t make eye contact, don’t say a word that will be the easiest way to get through the shift and not have any anxiety LMFAO it’s so actually funny when you rationalise it and put it in to words. It does seem very severe when I write it out but please know these are all split second thoughts. I know how to overcome them as I’ve been practising for two years. I know how to observe my thoughts and not become them. Even though I do have a lot of great coping mechanisms I do want to hit up a psych to spin some mad chats. I do not ever want to relapse so I’m really going to take good care of my pea brain.
Last but not lease, SEX BABY. Please note that I have first received Malcolm’s permission to speak about this. So actually my main reason for wanting to come off anti d’s is because I did enjoy being a former sex addict HAHAHAHAHAHA! Since being on anti d’s I’ve just lost all feeling to my Jenny Tails, I’ve lost all desire to ever have sex, nothing feels like anything so why bother? In my mind even I’ll be like damn I wanna fuck, he a babe, I need 20 orgasms, let’s do it fam! But my body would never ever agree or catch up with those mental thoughts. It was soooo frustrating and honestly, I felt so much time feeling guilty over this issue. I know it’s ridiculous to feel guilty but come on, tell me you wouldn’t feel some of those thoughts too.
Honestly, every time I would get frustrated over sex Malcolm would be like binch calm down, I don’t care – I’m with you for your brain not your vag. But nothing ever helped. I still felt shitty. It was really a never ending cycle.
BUT NOW. DO YOU WANNA KNOW THE NOW??? I can feel my vag again like there’s sensations there!!!! Some hella fine sensations!!! Sensations I just wanna experience 25/7 and that I need to talk my brain out of pursuing because I have 20 day of work in a row/ so many ducks to line up/CFS always catches up with me etcetc.
The first time I had sex after fully coming off anti d’s I could hear myself speaking and I was like dayum binch, is this your alter ego or something? This is NOT you speaking. I’m just becoming a FREAK. This is the best news ever to me. I think I used to really put too much emphasise on the sexual side of my personality so I’m glad I’ve had two years to overcome that and become a nun but now I’m gonna let LOOOOOOOOOSEEEEEEEE.
If it takes me another 6 months to write another blog, you’ll know where I am 😉 something something On The D.
Codii + a very sleepy Bindi sitting beside me x