Trigger warning: disordered eating, weight chats, weight kilogram chat
I’m an expert on all things weight and food related. Exhibit A: I just ate a tub of ice cream and a packet of salt and vinegar chips for dinner. Totally an expert.
On a more serious note though, I’ve been struggling with my weight. And it’s taken me a very long time to pin-point why that is the case considering I’m all for body love (unless it’s my own and then it has to be stick thin). I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s about acceptance.
I’m so fucking resistant to change. Actually, I think it’s proven that humans are majorly shit at change. But I’m even more shit at change than the average human! I can’t do it. Here I am having dreams about my ex from two years ago as recently as last night!
I’ve always been exceptionally thin. I think. I’m not certain of anything weight or body image related any more because I have anxiety and I’ve also never been able to judge my own body in a way that truly reflects how it actually looks. I say this because I remember being 15 and looking at my ass in the cinema movie toilet mirror and thinking “fuck I have the biggest ass.” I remember just being obsessed with how big my ass was but seeing a pancake flat ass. But in my mind it was massive. Does that make sense? A bit like body dysmorphia but I don’t want to be dramatic and say that because it’s probably just normal or whatever.
I guess I also can’t accurately judge my body because it’s mine. It’s just me. I’ve lived in it for 24 years and I’ve never seen it as an outsider.
So when I spent the majority of my teenage years below 50kg I thought that was “normal” because it was my normal. Ya know? You only know what you only know.
I’m now at a blossoming 65kgs!!!!!!!!!! that’s 20 fucking kilograms more than I was when I had that major mental breakdown and suicidal depressive episode that lasted way too long when I was 22!!!!
I’m 24, I’m 65kgs and I’m absolutely in love with my life, my mindset (wow that prompted me to remember to take my anti d’s, thanks everyone) and everything to do with being alive!
However, I haven’t been in love with my weight gain. Why? Because shit has been changing. I feel my thighs rub together, no one goes “OMGZ HUN UR SO SKINNY OMG WHAT DID YOU DO TO GET LIKE THAT??” on the daily, no one is fascinated by how lean I am, no one makes comments about me blowing away in the wind, I had to go up to a size 12 from a size 6, my wardrobe doesn’t fit me, all my beloved clothes that I’ve worn for years have to leave me. CHANGE. I fucking hate it.
I had a major freak out at the start of this year about my weight. I started dieting as in… calorie counting. That’s the lowest I’ve ever been.
And you know what’s the most ridiculous part of all of this? The world is spinning around me continuously, life goes on and yet here I am in my pea sized brain freaking the fuck out over nothing. I’m alive, my chronic fatigue is improving, I feel stronger than ever.
I look cool, calm and collected but internally I’m screaming because all I want is maccas but it’s oily and unnecessary and truly committed people would not sabotage themselves with trash that will make their weight explode out even more!!!
This past week I’ve felt a shift. Actually, it’s been slowing rising up in me. I’m sick of fighting an invisible troll everyday.
The first step was to buy my favourite pants in the next size up. DONE. Guess what happened? Nothing!!! Absolutely nothing!!! Except I felt less locked in to my pants and my hip flabby things felt so much more comfortable and not squeezed in. The world didn’t end because I had to go up a size. Ahhhhhh a sigh of relief. Maybe I CAN do this after all.
This week I decided to fuck off my whole wardrobe. Everything that is size “extra small.” I’ve never been an extra small person. It really did not align with my personality, my values or my desire to live a good life. I have soooo much knowledge, so much passion, so much creativity, so much desire, so much of everything. Imagine if we labelled our internal organs and shit with sizes? Mine wouldn’t be “extra small”.
I didn’t even feel as sad as I thought getting rid of everything. It’s like getting rid of the negativity that plagues me everyday. I feel like it’s an act of acceptance that I’m starting over with comfortable clothes that allow my body to breathe instead of gasp.
I’ve always felt too big for my small body. My experiences, my memories, every one of those one million books I’ve read all fitting in to that tiny body? It’s time to expand it to reflect my lived experiences and joys! It’s actually a little bit exciting to upgrade!
I feel like I’m shedding the naivety, the immaturity. I’ve always want to be an average human adult in this world. I truly feel more adult now and I feel it’s reflecting in my body growing too!
While all of this has been happening I’ve also been re-evaluating the way I nourish my home. I’m trying to eat in more of a fresh, vibrant vegetables way. I aim to do everything in moderation now so that I never feel like calorie counting is a good idea. How can an act of survival be so painful and stressful?
Tonight while eating my tub of ice-cream I was like “oh I might look at the calories of this entire tub” but instead of dying at the results I was like yeh gurl you’ve got this, thanks for accepting your body, the world is going to become a much easier place to live in when you are getting along with your body and not mistreating it everyday.
In the wise words of a human pal I like to call my best binch “you’re body is going to do whatever the fuck it wants to so you might as well do what you want too.”
Amen to that.
Be nice to your body, nourish it with wholesome food including Over The Moo ice-cream, say nice things to yourself, cheer for yourself, caress your stretch marks and tell them everything is going to be okay.
Oh, and send me more gr8 ice-cream recommendations 😉