Last week I caused a ruckus amongst humans who had to interact with me because I forgot it was Friday and I’d been thinking it was Thursday all day. BUT CODII OMG HOW COULD YOU FORGET?…
Yeh, I have memory loss LOL chronic fatigue LOL
I am chronically ill so I’m sorry Sharon but I’ve got more on my plate than remembering what day is what like… the never-ending whirlpool of pain, fatigue and broken dreams HAHAHAHAH I am so dramatic omg I don’t even hate my life (but you’d understand if I did).
So here’s a thought that I’d like to share with you after last week’s almost-forgotten fri-yay feels. Fuck I hate that word. Fri-yay. Get fucked.
Anyway, here it is: chronically ill people are entitled to weekends and weekend excitement. Would you not believe it???? We’re humans. Weekends mean something to us too! And usually that ‘something’ is about our loved ones having free to spend with us or the general public looking a little less cranky when you do happen to step out of your house once a year.
I know this seems like a common understanding and I shouldn’t have to say it but OH MY GOD. I seriously feel like sometimes people, myself included, think that everyday is the weekend for us chronically ill folk. Just because we don’t work normal hours/don’t work/spend our full-time lives trying to recover or merely cope/exist.
I feel myself being judgemental too. I don’t like to allow myself the “thank fuck it’s Friday” snap chat or the “friday couldn’t come sooner” posts. In fact, you would never have ever heard me mention The Weekend because it’s a sacred time for people in the capitalist frame of mind, hustle and grind baby!
You know what??? FUCK THAT NOISE.
I am excited about the weekend.
It’s Friday evening. Malcolm has fucked off for a “boy’s weekend”. I couldn’t be more happier.
I even question this line of thinking and feeling. If I spend every day at home alone while Malcolm is at work, why then am I so excited to be “alone” on the weekend? Don’t I spend every day alone? Yes I do but honestly, it’s at a point now where my full-time job is recovery. Sleeping isn’t some luxury zzz’s it’s life and death. I don’t want to live my life stuck feeling this shitty. I want to recover. Maybe that’s just a faraway hope that will never appear but I’m going to try with everything in me to get to a point where I can be an almost-normie. So while you are all 9-5’ing, so am I. Except I’m doing what I have to do to be productive. Which is sleep, gently stretch but not too much otherwise I’ll crash, eating healthy as fuck, trying to avoid stimulants, trying not to have an ounce of anxiety in my body because that sets you back, shoving kale up my ass ETCETC whatever sick people do to be cured, like all those inspirational instagram posts and multi-level marketing scam mums suggest HAHAHA!
It’s the weekend for me too. I get to enjoy that thought. I get to establish sacred weekend rituals like the rest of the working human population.
One time before I was sick this lady was going home early and had the next day off. I was just making small talk and I said ‘omg you’re soooo lucky you get to go home early and then not work tomorrow’. She was like “yeh I’m picking my kids up from school and because it’s school holidays I don’t have a carer for them tomorrow so I have to take the day off.” I FELT SO BAD. I couldn’t believe I’d said she was having the day off like she was off to do 5am yoga and beach runs. I sounded so cunty.
And now that’s how I feel when people are like omg you’re so lucky!!! you don’t have to work everyday!! omg you just like do what you want? like sleep in!!! oh by the way, could you maybe help me with this… since you don’t work everyday like I do!
It’s taken me well over a year to not feel guilty even thinking I’m entitled to a weekend, a break, a trip away. I felt so guilty that I wasn’t ‘productive’ everyday and that I wasn’t then climbing mountains on the weekend.
I’ve had to establish new definitions for productive and rest. I’ll enjoy Malcolm being away because I DESERVE me-time. I deserve time where it’s just me and my thoughts and no thoughts of 4pm arriving and me having to pick him up from work or him hugging me and my skin burning and aching just from his touch and then feeling super cunty and worst gf’y because of my chronic pain and illness.
So yeh… maybe just think before you say shit because I’d take “can’t wait for friday to come any sooner” and so would you if you happened to spend a day in the frustrating world of being a chronically sick person where society values over-working and burning yourself out until you have a mental breakdown.
BE KIND. HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND PALS. I hope your weekend is filled with ‘good days’ and really refreshing naps and only minor frustrations!
Codii + Bindi