Since I’ve started blogging I’ve grown less and less fond of facebook.
I really like to keep my life pretty open online because I think it makes me a relateable human being. I’m always the person to say what everyone else is thinking/curious about but in the most inappropriate setting like talking about the length of my cervix on facebook.
I’ve always justified it this way – I have anxiety, my anxiety gets off on people curating their online lives to look perfect. My brain goes “fuck everyone is out at breakfast on a sunday morning and I am poor and eating rice with salt. I’m the only one doing this. I’m the only one without friends to go to brunch with. Or money even if I had friends. I’m a useless piece of shit.”
I think that a lot of people actually feel this way about the way people portray themselves online. Everyone is so hot/rich/successful and I’m ugly, poor and missing out. So I like to be the hilarious one that talks about all of the unfortunate shit that happens to me. I love nothing other than jumping online and telling a large audience about how a block of chocolate cost me $700 in vet bills or how the ubereats delivery man KNOCKED ON MY WINDOW AND PEERED THROUGH IT last night causing me a heart attack.
I love letting everyone know that the average person isn’t enjoying their life every second of the day. Nah, the average person is having a mental break down and watching dance moms. I think it’s comforting in a world of social media to be shown there’s an alternative to this high-life and it’s just as fucking fun being average. You can make good and hilarity from any mediocre every day existence. At least, I can HAHAHA!
But now I’m finding blogging is next level. It’s like telling your stories but on steroids! And it’s a way for me to document how I’m feeling at any given time which is also helpful with tracking my anxiety, mental state and CFS flare up’s.
The point of this post though is a small life update:
I’M MOVING TO TOOWOOMBA!
I’m moving to Toowoomba in two weeks.
The past month has been a fucking whirlwind. I went to Melbourne. I broke my phone and haven’t replaced it. I broke my leg. I sprained my ankle. I couldn’t walk at all for five days. I’ve had anxiety like I haven’t experienced in a year. I’ve frantically left my own house to avoid existing in reality. I’ve been living at Malcolm’s house as a way to avoid living in a house with stairs and in circumstances that add to my anxiety. I’ve commenced living with a partner full-time.
And I’ve completely abandoned all of my friends.
At the best of times I’m pretty shit at keeping up with all of the messages that facebook messenger allows to be thrown my way. I’m convinced they should start charging people to send you messages. Because every message I receive requires energy to reply. But no one is repaying me for that energy. Mostly I’ve just started to feel that I am expending energy on people via messaging them and keeping up appearances where I actually don’t have energy to expend. I’m giving but I have nothing to give. I’m definitely pouring from an empty cup.
Considering how fucking ridiculously hectic the last month has been I think it’s understandable that I’ve gone quiet. A part of me feels guilty but a part of me feels so sunny on the inside. I feel like I finally have a little more energy to focus on making myself happy. If you think about it… people don’t often message you for a positive chat, it’s mostly because they want you to put out fires. I’m good at putting out fires but I have no water left so I’m retiring.
Oh, so the point about my story of not replying to people and going quiet is this… on the best of days I don’t have energy or the mental alertness that it requires to instant message. Add to that all of my shitty circumstances, my CFS and then sprinkle on top the most anxiety I’ve felt being left hanging in regards to moving to Toowoomba.
Malcolm comes from a happy and prosperous family where if his mum said he was getting a toy, he’d get it today. My life is a little different. All I’ll say is that I learnt from a very young age to suppress feelings of excitement until I see the thing with my own two eyes. I can’t get excited about something until it’s 200% certain that the thing is happening.
The past month has been a little frantic because Malcolm caught wind of a highly sought after training position in Toowoomba. I explained this in my last post but the company needs confirmation he’ll be staying in Toowoomba for 5 years. Add to that that HR are generally slow with contracts and HR stuff. Add to that that I really want to fucking get up and leave my life right now so this is an amazing chance for me!!!
The anxiety has been crazy! Constant thoughts of “will he get the job?” and “if he doesn’t I’m fucking stuck here and I have to get a house with a yard and pay a million dollars for a house with a yard and there’s no jobs and I can’t get a job because CFS but I’m poor as fuck and need a job” etcetc
I just wanted this job to come through more than he did! I know that he can’t leave his job or leave Brisbane until he has this fucking training and I know it would take ages to get in Brisbane so I’d be stuck here for another five years.
I’m itching for a change.
And the universe delivered so fucking hard and with so little effort on either of our parts!
It was almost like the universe looked down on miserable little Codii and knew what I needed. It pulled Malcolm’s dream job out of the air, gave it to him which simultaneously answered all my prayers.
This is what I need. A change. An unfamiliar place. A chance to make new friends who’ll meet me with a chronic illness and never expect from me what my regular friends do who’ve known the “before Codii” and expect that of me still. I can’t wait to meet people and invite them over to my house so it becomes a routine that we hang out at mine. Because honestly, the nicest thing you can do to someone with a chronic illness is rock up at their house and give them affection and a soulful chat. We appreciate your invitations to do shit outside the house, which we both know will never come to light because spoonie living. But what I feel like most spoonies would appreciate? Someone to show us we’re worth the hike to our houses. That we’re worth a catch-up that doesn’t take all our energy for the next three days.
I’ve some what known this is how I’d enjoy hanging out with friends. Imagine not having to cancel on a plan with a friend because you can’t leave bed. Imagine them coming to your bed to hang out!! This has been further highlighted since I’ve been living at Malcolm’s. He has five housemates and there’s always just some human being who doesn’t live here staying here.
I never truly appreciate what it feels like to hang out within your own house. So lately I’ve been napping and then when I feel like company I’ll simply open the bedroom door and there will always be a human to chat to. It’s really cute and it lights up my soul. Like… the other day everyone was at work but Malcolm’s pal and I slept in and then had a tea/coffee and chatted about things. It was so nice! Or I’ll be outside sitting in the house reading an e-book and someone will come and join me and have a chat. I want to squeal with joy at how nice of a feeling it is hanging out with people in a way that doesn’t completely drain all your energy. I hardly can go out in public on a good day let alone a day where I’m fatigued as hell – on a day like that even white noise irritates me and drains me further.
Toowoomba is going to be so good for me! There’s so much nature, so many gardens. It’s called the flower city or something and has a flower festival I’ve always wanted to go to. There’s no traffic and the weather is conducive to day time sleeping lmfao. There’s hardly any people any where you look and the town just appears like the perfect sleepy eggplant town.
Obviously moving to a new city isn’t going to change anything mentally or physically and I’ve always acknowledged that. That’s half the reason I’ve never actually moved when I’ve felt like I wanted to. But I do think it gives me a perfect opportunity to start fresh. Create a really positive routine. Meet new people. Get some fresh air and some beautiful scenery.
I’ve been told by both my doctor and exercise physiologist that I need to start exercising. They’ve said that the longer I don’t exercise the more muscle wastage happens. This then means that it takes more energy to do everyday things because you don’t have the muscles to do it. So it’s a vicious cycle you need to get around.
I have absolutely no motivation to exercise in Brisbane. I’m scared to go on the walking tracks near my current house because they back on to a caravan park that is famous for it’s crackheads. Also, I live on a major road that leads off a highway so there’s always trucks and buses and I absolutely cannot handle noise.
I cannot wait to get to Toowoomba and start exploring. How nice is exercise when it doesn’t feel like exercise? I love mindfully walking around suburbs and parks looking at all the beautiful plants and flowers. I love exploring new shops and Toowoomba actually has laneways like Melbourne ft graffiti murals and everything!
Another big thing for me is that Malcolm will have a normal 9-5 job! This is big news! Currently he does shift work which really prevents us from creating any nice patterns or routines together. On the odd chance that he finishes work at 3 we love going for a walk with Bindi and getting some sun! That’s a very rare occasion though. So I can’t wait to know Malcolm gets home at 5 and we can go for a walk. ALSO!!!! BIG DEAL!!! He won’t be working weekends anymore. This means we can go on hikes and adventures. And what a perfect place to be living in amongst mountains and farmland which is perfect for hiking and exploring. I can’t wait to drive to little downs and drink really shitty coffee at the one cafe/service station. I can’t wait to laugh at the local advertising and fashion.
I’m getting my shit together.
I’m also going to see how I go but if all goes well I am going to try and work. Maybe two days a week.
Apparently Toowoomba has a really good unemployment rate and it’s super easy to find a job. I’d believe this because on our visit we saw heaps of signs advertising work. I really want to get to a place in recovery where I can maintain working eight hours a week or something like that. It’d make me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile with my life.
Even if that doesn’t happen and I’m too sick to work, I’m going back to uni to study my Masters next year. This is perfect timing because Malcolm is also going back to uni to study too. We can be cute tortoiseshell glasses wearing humans who drink bulk aeropress coffee and study side-by-side. We could even go to a nice park and study in nature!
I’m just feeling like the possibilities are endless.
Let a girl dream.
Codii + Bindi