Most days I’m positive and I praise the almighty universe for giving me CFS to show me what truly matters in my life.
TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY.
I’m fucking done.
Take me out of the oven. I’m well and truly fried.
Hold up – I’m going to check if it’s a full moon first. Okay, it’s not so I’m fucking justified. Check mate, here goes!
I’ve been living in Malcolm’s house for a month now. Lately it’s been like a fucking war zone of emotions coming from various people and I’ve been some what in the middle as a kind and caring person. This was all good until last night when I just lost.my.shit.
Yesterday I was already feeling super shitty. I realised I must be pms’ing. I am oily as fuck in the face, I have a pimple (wtf), I’m bloated, feel fat despite never eating, I’ve gone off food, I have a blaring headache, I’m angry and I just want chocolate. PMS, right? Just the usual.
I’ve also been super fatigued (what’s new). I got a fitbit last weekend and I’ve noticed I haven’t even been sleeping eight hours a day. Add to that the fatigue means I can’t just take naps because fatigue means “wired and tired.” I will try to nap multiple times a day but I’ll get soooo frustrated because I can’t fall asleep. It’s a losing battle. Then by 5pm the tiredness goes away and I can’t sleep until midnight. Amazing! Perfect living!
Anyway, last night I just lost my shit. Malcolm did something to really piss me off. We’ve been going through this same issue for a month now and I’m just over it. He picked the best day ever to try me though. I was just giving him the most dirtiest looks in the entire world while he was with his friends. Everyone knows about this thing he does that upsets me so they were all aware of the situation but “yeh the boys” they were encouraging him to do the thing knowing it would piss me off. They were making excuses for him and being like “codii why do you care?” and all this shit. I’m pms’ing to the point that I already feel like I could breathe fire when I’m not mad and then this happens. I was like to Malcolm “why the fuck do you let your friends think I’m a monster? I’m completely rational in why your actions piss me off yet you go along with the boys and let them think I’m a monster.” DONE.
I’m a monster to everyone. Malcolm has spent the night sulking until he got what he wanted. What he wanted frustrates me on a good day. Then someone else let me down big time to the point where I almost cried because I’d wasted so much energy on them in the past week to be smacked in the face with the reality of them being a loser.
I went to bed mad. I knew nothing was actually a big deal but PMS. Malcolm was telling me he loves me and I’m the reason his life is so good and I’m like “mmmm” HAHAHAHAHA. I even told him I got mad at him over dinner because he didn’t comment on how good the food was enough times. As in… he said like 5 times how good the meal was but it wasn’t enough for me apparently.
Before I went to bed though I told Malcolm I’m going home. I can’t stand the negativity of these peoples actions whom I’ve been living in the vicinity of. Especially PMS’ing. These people just ruin my zen because we don’t share any of the same core beliefs. But their actions upset me or cause my anxiety. I find that my baseline anxiety at Malcolm’s is always hovering at a little anxious at all times. Maybe this is because a stranger overdosed on heroin in the park last week, for example, and his friends came knocking on the front door frantically asking for help. This place is not conducive to a calm adult life. It’s the equivalent of people attempting to adult but failing miserably. Anxiety then leads me to want to help them get their shit together. But I know I can’t help everyone/I have no energy to help.
So I wake up this morning still angry at Malcolm. POOR MALCOLM omg he’s actually hardly done anything but PMS me has decided I don’t like him right now. Anyway, I feel a bit sick in the stomach so I go to the bathroom. Then it just goes downhill even more.
I was SOOOOO sick. I had diarrhoea and that rising sneaky bile stuff that comes up in to your mouth when you’re about to vomit. I think people who get periods will understand the exact moment when you are desperately sick and you think “fuck am I really going to vomit and shit at the same time?” At least tell me this is a semi-normal experience please. VALIDATE ME.
I spent like half an hour sitting on the toilet strategically thinking about how I was going to vomit and shit at the same time. Do I vomit on the floor? What do? Then all of that stopped being the issue. I got up and I was shaking and so weak I felt like I was going to collapse. I then had a flash back to the fact that this was exactly how I was in high school. Every time I’d get my period I’d need to go home because I’d go so pale that teachers would be like okay please call your mum and go home we don’t want to deal with this.
I laid in bed and I have the most intense pelvic cramps. I’ve had them all morning. The weird thing is that I don’t even have my period yet though? I have every period symptom in the book but the period isn’t even here yet. Fucking great. Can you imagine what this period is going to feel like when it hits?
I post in my binches group chat and they suggest that maybe I have endometriosis. I had been to the doctors numerous times in high school with concerns about my period cramps and pain. I just don’t think they are on a level that’s acceptable because sometimes I couldn’t even walk. But the doctor would be like here have The Pill, bye. I also new that testing was expensive and troublesome and I couldn’t be bothered.
I’ve been on the pill for about 8 years now. I went off it three months ago. I have a vague feeling that it’s taken the last two months for all the effects to wear off and that’s the reason why I’m only experiencing pre-pill period effects now.
I researched endo. Okay, I looked at the wiki article HAHA and I’m really worried now. Because one of the symptoms is that pelvic cramping comes can come on up to a week before your period. This is what is happening to me. Having CFS though I just can’t imagine ever having the energy to follow this up and get all of the testing required.
I also really don’t want to go back on the pill due to CFS reasons. I researched the Pill heaps before I went off it and it says it depletes all of your b vitamins and has all these other symptoms. I just don’t want to add to my fatigue with the pill and I’ve been feeling relatively okay since I went off it and did the candida diet at the same time (it said the pill increases chances of candida overgrowth too).
My really big thought right now is what if I’m just a fucking hypochondriac? What if I’m the normal level of tired of everyone else and I just can’t deal? What if I’m a sook? What if my period cramps are normal and I can’t deal?
I’ve also been experiencing frequent tingling in my hands that won’t go away for ages. I’m so scared that nothing is wrong and that if I follow it up I’ll look like a hypochondriac. There’s just so much invisible shit wrong with me that WHAT IF IT’S ALL IN MY BRAIN.
I’m so sick of Malcolm getting home from work and me doing the speech of “sorry I have a headache, fatigue, please don’t touch me because it irritates me and hurts in some odd way, also don’t look at me.”
I just want to be normal. No speeches. No 24/7 headaches. No hand tingling. No pelvic cramps and shaking and looking like the most miserable idiot in bed all day. No laying in bed all day semi dead looking from fatigue.
Oh boy, I haven’t even mentioned my leg yet!!! I’m still in a moon boot. I opted for a moon boot over a cast so I can shower and get my leg wet. Apparently, no one can comprehend that moon boots can be used for non-weight bearing injuries. I still need crutches and I cannot weight bear on that leg. I have to treat it like a cast. So now I look like a hypochondriac with my leg too. I’m so paranoid people look at me and think OMG she has a moon boot but she’s using crutches, wow she’s extra cautious!
Also, hilariously I have my next appointment with a surgeon on the 1st of August. This is exactly the day after we’re moving house. So basically I will not be able to do anything to help in the moving house process but the next day I’ll probably be given the all clear to walk again. PSYCH. That’s hilarious right but then I was like thinking back to last time I moved and how I did help carry stuff all day and then ended up shaking in the corner of my new house laying on the tiles because I was so exhausted and my weak muscles were so tired. I laid there dramatically for hours until Malcolm arrived and hugged me forever still while I was in the foetal position and couldn’t move.
YA JUST CAN’T WIN.
Another amazing thing has already happened today. I rang Endeavour to come and collect two single beds that we don’t want to take with us on the move. They came and told me they can’t take the beds because one mattress has a few cosmetic marks on the side of it. REKT. I felt like a major idiot since I’d asked a charity to waste their time coming to pick up these beds and then they couldn’t even take them. So now we’ve got two beds in the kitchen reminding me of how I fucked up.
Then I spilt freshly boiled hot water from my green tea all over my hand.
When I was making the tea I was having neg thoughts of “I’m the healthiest person ever on paper, I even drink two green fucking tea’s a day.”
PSYCH. Spill it all over your hand.
Moral of the story: invisible illnesses are hard. At least people can see my broken leg and give me a compassionate look when they pass me in crutches. I don’t ask for sympathy with my CFS or anything but it would be nice to be able to confirm or acknowledge in my own brain that this is all real and I’m not just a major sook.
Until then, I’ll keep sooking.
Codii + Bindi
PS: can someone with Endo share their experience with me, what the testing is like to see if you have it, symptoms etc x