I have a confession: I fucking hate brushing my teeth.
The mere thought of it angers me. Angers me to the point that I consider the fact that I need to brush my teeth and then write a hate blog post about it instead.
Here’s the thing, I used to be the most anxious human known to man. One of my deepest fears in this world from birth has been that I will have bad breath and someone in my vicinity will smell it. You know when you have to be in the presence of a 50 year old man and you are sitting across a desk from them and you can just smell pure DEATH from their breath? That’s my biggest fear. When I was younger I would put my hand over my mouth while being close to people and talking so as to trap the breath from escaping near them in case it smelt.
Side note: I’ve never been told I have bad breath.
Side note: MAYBE PEOPLE DON’T WANNA BE MEAN AND TELL ME??????????????????
Side note: I have smelt bad breath and I just put up with it because fuck telling someone that. It’s like the worst thing to tell someone. Fundamentally, you stink like decaying food and gum disease.
So my whole life I’ve been very self aware that my breath could possibly smell and so I’m really courteous about it. I floss a lot. I brush my teeth thoroughly. Then I use mouth wash – not the weak stuff for weak people that has no alcohol. I need that high powered alcohol, mouth burning stuff to make sure it kills everything. All of that potential bacteria and plague no one has ever told me I even have.
I then got braces and this took my mouth hygiene to a whole new level. I’d brush religiously after every meal. My orthodontist would tell me every appointment that he values my mouth hygiene aka the best compliment ever.
Fast forward to 2017. I’m tired. Getting out of bed to urinate is enough of a struggle. I simply cannot be fucked with the teeth brushing cares any more. This is certainly not helped by my unconditionally loving partner who insists on kissing me with morning breath. FUCKING GROSS.
So basically, after kissing someone with morning breath I just had a mind shift. I can get away with bad breath???????? Okay now I can become my true tired self. The self that actually really thinks that using your hand to brush vigorously in circular motions WHILE standing up for minutes on end AND not collapsing AND breathing is just too much energy.
I blame my passionate hate of tooth brushing on Malcolm. If he loved me only in a conditional way and that conditional way was that I had to have good mouth hygiene then I would never have regressed this far.
Regress is a really good word for this because when I was a kid I remember refusing to brush my teeth for weeks on end until my mum would finally force me to.
Basically, I still brush my teeth everyday. I think I need to maintain that routine or else I’ll be like “fuck it,” just like I did with bra’s and never look back.
Honestly, the moral of this story is…. I could never comprehend how much small and effortless tasks that I took pride in have become the bane of my existence.
Please tell me I’m not alone. Maybe we can have a meet up for people too tired to hygiene in order to make friends/not die forever alone?