Anti-D’s

I’ve been on anti-depressants since the time I got extremely sick which lead to chronic fatigue. There’s basically never been a period of being on anti-depressants where I’ve felt mentally great and also active and energetic. This makes me sometimes believe that maybe anti-depressants are the cause of my tiredness.

Initially, the first six weeks of adjusting to anti-d’s lead me feeling soooooooooo tired I was falling asleep at my desk while studying and generally just being a tired sack of potatoes. I do remember a short period after adjusting to meds that I did feel normal and not tired but then I got sick and spiralled down to this sleepy eggplant version of myself.

Anyway, I keep asking doctors if maybe anti-d’s are the answer to all my problems. What if they are causing the tiredness? What if this is all some sick joke and anti d’s cure my depression and anxiety but make me feel like a walking zombie? Sometimes I play out a scene in my mind where I have to very dramatically choose whether to continue to take them and have a really nice mental garden of nice flowers and butterflies or I have to choose to go off them and get my actual life back where I can function as a normal human being but I return to a sewer version of my brain.

Anyway, I have actually considered going off anti-depressants. This decision has actually never been because I think it could make me feel less tired (because that’s a fucking stupid trade-off) but because I feel amazing. You know when everything is feeling so fucking good and you are like heck yes this isn’t a product of balanced brain chemicals from meds it’s alllllll me baby, this right here, this is the shiiiiiiiiittttt???

I do plan to write a post about my anxiety and depression prior to having cfs but today ain’t the day.

So basically I’ve been away from my usual routine for a week. This never happens to me because CFS is a series of routines and patterns that you find make you feel the best you can so you don’t really want to deviate from them. But I was living in up in a river view apartment in the city and then I flew to Melbourne to be with all my friends and indulge with Malcolm in a short holiday because he had annual leave for the first time in 1.5 years.

I was very worried about going to melbourne due to cfs but that’s another post I can’t be bothered with today HAHA. Can you tell how exhausted I am? But I ended up forgetting to take my meds for about four days. This has never happened in the year I’ve been taking them. I take them every single day. I was aware by about the third day that I’d been forgetting to take them but I was kind of like I AM FEELING GOOD WHAT IF? Now that I look back on it, that’s probably the thoughts and workings of my unravelling brain rather than common-sense, balanced and stable Codii.

So I was doing fine and I had energy so I was like okay I’ll just get back to routine when I get home, this is all sorted. AND THEN I FUCKING CRASHED. HARD. OUCH, IT HURTS.

I had an incident where I let a friend down Wednesday night and they were messaging me all this shit and I just shut down and could not deal with it. I’m usually such a calm and collected person these days but I was hysterical in the brain, I could not function and I ended up saying I’d deal with it later and just leaving it at the point of disaster. I still haven’t fixed this issue. But when it was all happening I was SOOOOOO fucking sad. I was trying not to cry because I was in the car with people. Usually I don’t ruminate on things anymore but FUCK all I have thought about is who is wrong and who is right. I can’t let it go!!! This is not me.

Then it was Thursday, I’d gone to sleep thinking about the happenings of the night, I slept 12 hours and I was exhausted. We went in to the city and I just felt pure guilt for not seeing my friend Wednesday night which was what caused the whole debacle. Malcolm gets so fucking annoying about making flights and being on time so the whole day I was hyper aware that I couldn’t make him anxious over time related things. But whatever, the day was good. I just found myself in a really shitty headspace compared to usual. I could not handle loud noises and environments at all. I was sitting in a small cafe in a laneway and I just got up and left Malcolm to drink his coffee alone because I couldn’t fucking deal. I felt so much pent up anger and frustration at every single person in the cafe enjoying their coffee contributing to the loud noise that was rotting my brain and hurting my ears.

The day went well and it was whatever. But then we had to go to the airport and Malcolm was agitated. We planned to get their early and it was super fine but then it was peak hour and the traffic was at a stand still. This was still fine by my standards but Malcolm was freaking out. His phone was dead so he couldn’t check in online. It finally charged in the car but when he went to check in and said check in had closed online and we had ten minutes to get to the airport. I’ve become this person who is like “what will be, will be.” I know I can’t control what happens so I just go with it. My phone broke on the plane to Melbourne and I just embraced it. But Malcolm was furious and agitated and it sent me in to extreme anxiety mode it turns out!

I didn’t even notice but on the car trip to the airport I chewed off my nail so low that it was bleeding. It’s so fucking sore so yeh, dumb idea but I do is subconsciously the minute I get anxious (which is usually never these days). Then at the airport once we’d actually checked in and everything was fine I could not stop shaking! I just completely shut down. Malcolm kept asking what was wrong and I did the standard “I have nothing to say to you.” Then on the plane I slept and everything was alright until Malcolm woke me up because the plane was making a weird noise and it became apparent we were going to die LMAO. So that was another severe anxiety moment where I could not function at all.

Then we stopped off at Malcolm’s and I was sooo frustrated. It felt like he was taking forever. I just wanted to scream when usually I’d chill out and talk to his housemates or read a book or annoy him for laughs.

On the way home to mine I noticed how clenched my jaw was and I was like fuuuccckkk. I remember that when I used to live with extreme anxiety I used to hate how clenched my jaw was 24/7 and how helpless I was to fix it.

The most hilarious part of all of this is that when we sat down in the plane to take off a thought went through my head of “this is all too hard, maybe I should just die” HAHAHAHAHAHAH but not in a joke way like I actually contemplated dying as a really good solution to my minor life inconveniences and anxiety. Hello depression, my old friend.

All in all, I just forgot how fucking helpless I am as a person to help my own brain when I am off anti-d’s. Everything just spirals so fucking fast and then your sitting on a plane after an amazing get-away thinking about dying. I always knew that meds helped me but I thought they levelled out my brain so that I could then focus on coping mechanisms in order to actually keep anxiety and depression at bay on my own. I was so fucking wrong. When I was in that state of having my own brain chemicals do their thang, I was at their mercy. There was no point where I could just meditate my clenched jaw away or mindfully recognise my thoughts as pure bull shit.

Codii, you are never going off meds. Give up your hopes. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain that wants you to become a hermit before fully dying off. You avoid everyone and everything and fold into yourself until you become nothing. You are a much happier, wholesome and centered person when your brian chemicals align.

As my doctor said “meds may make you tired but depression kills you.”

Amen.

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